My pride is definitely on the floor.

Ever feel alone?... Just flat out lonely?...

I know that I have God, and I am not belittling that or saying it doesn't count or doesn't matter because it does and when I'm down like this He is the only one that can pick me back up.

I don't know how to write about what I'm feeling, what I'm going thru, without sounding like I'm trying to throw myself a pitty party because that is NOT my intention. Here goes nothing...

I'm 25, single, over weight and consumed with my job (which I love)... But I have no time for a social life and the time that I do have I don't have friends to fill that time with. (Ok.. For all of you who are my friends pause... Most of you are married and/or have children and the rest of you live out of this area so I am not saying you are not my friends, just venting.) I love the moments I get to spend with families that mean the world to me (especially ones that are like my own family and i am kind of that extra family member) and times when I get visits from my out of town friends but what about the nights I want a good girl friend to come over to watch some goofy reality tv show, or talk about the non existent men in my life, or sit out back and sip wine while debating over whether Channing Tatum or Adam Lavine is hotter. There are several people I am acquaintances with that I would absolutely love to embark on a closer friendship with but I don't know how to start that.. It's not high school anymore and I haven't had to "make friends" in a long time...in college I was in a sorority so making friends was kind of easy and laid out for me. But now it's different... I don't wanna creep people out by seeming like a stalker or bother people, ya know?... Ok.. This is starting to get pitiful... How can I change the way this sounds?...

Hmm... Well I'll just end it by saying.. I don't want pity... Just needed to vent and sometimes writing things out helps, And these long talks with God while on my new treadmill are helping... Slowly but surely...

I know God has a plan for me and I trust Him with my heart... I just want some good girl friends too... Ya know?...

Peace. Love. and Prayer.

Running marathons in my room.

So a week or so ago I posted a Facebook status asking if anyone had an old, but working, treadmill, elliptical or stationary bike that they wanted to get rid of. I wasn't sure if I would get any response at all but I thought why the heck not just post it? Well.... I did get a response! Someone I used to work with at Lancaster had a treadmill she wanted to get rid of, all I had to do was go pick it up! So yesterday my da and I did just that!

I now have a treadmill in my room! It's a tight squeeze but it's in there. I can literally roll out of bed, slip my tennis shoes on and start running! It's very convenient so my excuses won't work anymore! Tonight I jogged .75 of a mile!

I have let me weight define who I am and put me in a pretty bad depression. I have a hard time loving myself because when I look in the mirror at my body I want to cry. I have let myself go and it makes me sick! Because I let myself go, now I have to kick my own butt to try and get back to where I want to be. Once I can love myself again then I think it will be easier for me to let others love me =]


Keep those prayers coming!!

Couch to 5k: Day One

So this morning I had to get up early to take my Jeep back to the shop, then help Sara move to her new salon, get my hair done, run some errands with Sara and then... I took a nap...

But to back up for a moment, while I was at the salon I got a text from one of my youth group boys, Collin. He text me to tell me he wants to train with me for this 5k! I have been searching for someone to train with me and push me, who better than an energetic 7th grader!

Well today we went for our first run! I did not wanna get up from my nap but I did.. Took me a few extra minutes but I got up, picked Collin up and we started out 8 week training today! It really helped knowing that someone else was counting on me to honor this run, if it were just me it would have been so easy to just turn over and go back to sleep on the couch!

It was tough though... We had to run for a minute then walk for a minute and a half and that minute we ran seemed like hours! Haha! But I never gave up and Collin was so sweet to stick with me while I was running super slow and huffing and puffing! Such a sweet boy!

Thank you all for your encouragement and comments... Please keep them coming! We are going for run number 2 tomorrow!

I hope the death while running feeling goes away soon.... =P

Couch to 5k

So tomorrow I am starting my 8 week couch to 5k training for a 5k I am doing in Martin, TN for my sorority (AOTT). I have mixed emotions about it!

After high school I guess I just thought I would keep my athletic build forever.. But reality set it after I just kept gaining weight... I would do a couple crash diets here and there and lose 10 to 20 pounds and then gain it back plus some. I am now, embarrassed to say, the biggest I have ever been. People keep saying, "you're not fat, love who you are" and "you're pretty, stop saying your over weight"... I realize I am a child of God an that God doesn't make ugly things but He also expects us to take care of our bodies and I have failed to do so.

In these next 8 weeks I will be preparing my body, mind and heart for this 5k at the end of September and I would appreciate all the support you can give!

My problem right now is energy.. I would rather nap and lay around than get out and train and be active. It's a difficult struggle but the struggle is real! I believe that as I begin to get in shape, she'd unwanted/unnecessary pounds I will begin to feel better about myself and have more energy!

Prayers and support are welcome and if anyone wants to do this with me, I'd love to have a partner!

I plan to blog as often as possible thru these next 8 weeks!

Here we go.... =]

Ash Wednesday

Why do so many think that Ash Wednesday is so strange? Ok so we have crosses put on our forehead with ashes... It may sound weird but if you take the time to understand why it is done then it makes perfect sense!

Ash Wednesday is in a sense the beginning of the season of lent. This service usually takes place the Wednesday before the first Sunday of Lent.

So we get ashes put on our forehead in the shape of a cross.. But do you know why? The ashes used are often the ashes of burnt palm branches from the year before but our church tends to do it a little differently sometimes which I think is awesome! We will have the children and youth of the church wrote down a sin, something they want forgiveness for, and then we burn them to show the kids that their sins have been forgiven and those are the ashes we use.

Now for why we do this placement of the ashes in the shape of a cross, it is sacramental (now don't get me confused with saying it is a "sacrament"). It symbolizes our mourning of Christ's death to come. Most of the time the ashes are mixed with a little but of water or olive oil to help the ashes adhere to the forehead.

As the pastor places the ashes on the forehead Genesis 3:19 is often recited "from dust you came and to dust you shall return".


So once you look at the background and the meaning behind Ash Wednesday it has a lot of meaning and history behind it.

Don't knock it 'till you try it ;-)

Stuff on my mind..

#1. Bullies.
Why must people bully? I honestly dot get it.... Do people not realize that they are hurting people in big ways? A bully thinks they are funny an are showing power to everyone by picking on someone and making their life miserable but in reality it shows how ignorant thy really are and they are seriously hurting people in BIG ways! We go through life only worried about ourselves and not realizing that the things we say about and to others will probably have a big effect on them! I mean watch the news, there are people taking their lives because they are being bullied... How is that right??.. My question is when will these people, these bullies, realize the hurt and pain they are causing on other peoples lives? IT'S REALLY NOT FUNNY!.. Grow up!

#2. Starting an Organization.
I want to start an organization for kids from broken homes... A Christian organization. I have a heart for these kids and want to help them and reach out to them but how? First of all how do I start an organization? Second, what all would it do?... I need help... I need someone to help take my ideas and put them into action. This population is growing as we speak and some of them go through their parents divorce completely alone thinking that no one will understand or that they will be ok in time.. But I want to help them realize they don't have to go through this alone and that there are people out there that understand.

#3. Love?
I know God has someone for all of us and he is preparing us for one another but as a human being.... I get discouraged and have second thoughts. I teach my youth to be patient and to trust in God but I have a hard time too... I am 25, own my own home, have two steady jobs that I love, have my degree... But I have no one to share it with. People tell me that I'm still young and it will happen but those people that tell me that we're already married by my age and most already had their first child and are still happily married... Why haven't I ever felt love?.. I know you can't rush perfection and that's what God is and that's what he is preparing for me but hey, I'm human and I can't help but think about it.

#4. Fundraisers for the youth group.
I want to come up with creative ways of fundraising for the youth group outside of the church. It seems like all of the fundraisers we do end up being in church and the congregation feels obligated to donate and we very much appreciate it but we need to get creative and get out in the community... I just don't know what that entails.. I am not the most creative when it comes to this. All I know is that the youth and I want to have a good reserve of money set aside so that we can do nice things for others but we are struggling with how to get that money... =\


I guess I have a lot going on in this lil head of mine... There is probably mor than just those 4 things but right now they are the ones standing out. For now I am just going to enjoy my day off and get ready for my youth advisor meeting later. Thanks for reading and if you have any answers to any of the above I will gladly take them!!!

I am an adult too...

Ever feel like you will never grow up in some people's eyes? It's a frustrating feeling isn't it?

I am 25 but still feel like most see me as 17 or so, which in turn makes me feel like I am still a kid. I am not saying I want to grow up too fast or have everyone see me as this super mature, all business adult but I would like some respect. I figured it would be the kids, you know the teens and pre-teens, that would have a hard time seeing me as an adult and showing me respect but it's not... It's the other "adults".

It's hard growing up around the same people that knew you as a child. Holding a professional job around them is also sort of difficult... What Fo I have to do to gain their respect? It's not every adult, some of them even have to remind me that I am an adult when I am feeling down on myself, but there are a lot. It's the ones that I thought had my back and were pulling for me, they are the ones that have let me down.

I don't just fly by the seat of my pants, I do sometimes make quick decisions when I see a great opportunity but they aren't immature decisions. I just wish they would believe in me, ya know? Just trust me don't brush me off or pick apart what I am trying to do...

This is a note to myself: remember to respect those younger than me and remember, they are growing up too and won't always be children.

Believe in me. Don't scold me.